Relationships are such an integral part of life, from your first BFF in kindergarten to the complex rivals of middle school. Some of us are lucky to have had lifelong friends, while others struggle just to make an acquaintance. The high school sweethearts who would later marry and build a beautiful life together. These relationships are not without complexities. Life is riddled with resistance that brings up issues of the heart; some of these painful situations aren’t so clear-cut and get trickier when the story doesn’t necessarily have a good guy or bad guy. In life, we need people and relationships, but it takes work, hard work, and that can be messy. The statement alone cannot encompass all the intricacies that come with two people deciding to walk together in life, whether in marriage or friendship. Differences in who we are as individuals can impact how far we can travel in a relationship.
Will we want to face the certain difficulties that will come, and if so, how can we face what’s ahead of us with bravery? What does Bravery look like? Well, let's first look at the definition: it’s the quality or state of having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty. Mental and moral strength in the face of danger, fear, and difficulty. What does that look like when you’re dealing with feelings and emotions that are not exactly aligned with yours? Do you storm ahead no matter what the response is? Being brave is not so much an action you take; it's more of a look. A self-reflective examination of the heart. Because can we know anyone's heart but our own? Even knowing our hearts can be deceptive. Scripture tells us that 'The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? “I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve.” (Jeremiah 17:9-10) If only God could know and examine our hearts, then why do we assume that we could truly know anyone else’s? We can’t.
How can we honor people in our lives who bring us joy in one hand and frustrations with the other? How can we accurately assess their actions towards us? Honor doesn't come easy, especially when it's accompanied by familiarity. I’m not saying it's impossible, but more often, we find it comfortable to live with more than one elephant in the room. Picture a room with more than one elephant; it’s tight, you’re barely breathing, uncomfortable, but you have just enough negligence to never address them. Have you ever been in a room with an elephant? It stinks, I mean, it stinks real bad. I always thought that phrase “the elephant in the room” was more of a space issue, but can I present another perspective? It’s not a matter of discomfort, but more so the odor. The stench of tolerant conversations, without ever really letting anyone in. Questions that bring growth and clarity left unspoken carry a stench. This was no way to honor those important relationships in life. Honor means to hold in high respect, great esteem. Surfacey check-ins that give us just enough room to say we’ve “checked in” are not a way to hold others in high respect and great esteem. Is that really how we want to live our lives? In the not-too-distant past, I found myself in a crowded room full of people I love, along with lots of elephants.
“I found myself in a crowded room full of people I love, along with lots of elephants. ”
I’ve found myself in this place more times than I would like. Hard conversations were never difficult for me, but they weren’t always received well. It was easier at times for me to engage in the surface conversation, smile, and even tell a joke. I could keep everyone in the room safe, but I was miserable. I wanted more from my relationships; I wanted these people in my life, but I was unsure of how to communicate that. My insecurities would show up when I least expected them. Unaddressed wounds would trigger a reaction instead of a response. I found myself judging by association, often holding people hostage for offenses they never committed. In truth, I was a mess, yet I longed for meaningful relationships. Something had to give; I knew that for me to have healthy relationships, I needed to engage in healthy conversations, which required a healthy heart. This was the start of a long and ongoing healing journey.
You may find yourself in this very place today. So I would like to offer some words of guidance and encouragement. Not that I have arrived, but maybe some markers along my journey that could be of help. Most importantly, how it started, it started with me. If I were going to examine the relationships in my life that seemed off, I first had to look at myself. I started by addressing what hurt most in my life and why. Analyzing my responses and reactions, why did I do the thing I did? This led me to examine my personality. Assessing traits, strengths, weaknesses, and triggers. It was revealing and difficult, accompanied by lots of tears. Looking at my weaknesses and trying to understand them or safeguard myself against them. I noticed that these weaknesses dictated my thoughts, which led to my emotions, controlling my actions. It was a vicious cycle I had no idea I was in. These were sobering moments where I addressed my shortcomings, but not neglecting the effects of trauma in my life. I didn’t have a perfect childhood, but I grew up in a loving home with two parents who were still working through their healing. This season was one where I sorted through pain that was both inflicted and self-inflicted. A huge part of this process was forgiving those who would never utter the words I’m sorry. Once I was able to own my part in the dysfunction, then I could forgive what I couldn’t understand.
Scripture led me to believe that although our hearts were wicked, God had a remedy for it. In Psalms 51:10, David is confronted about a choice he made. One in which a lot of people were hurt. His prayer “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” Only God could take what is wicked and renew it. How was he going to do this? It would come through my choice to surrender. Laying every judgment and assumption down, knowing that the same God who was dealing with my heart loved them enough to do the same. When the unknown would overwhelm me, I could turn to the scriptures to find certainty. For instance, in Hebrews 4:12 (Amp) it states, 'For the word of God is living and active and full of power [making it operative, energizing, and effective]. It is sharper than any two-edged sword, penetrating as far as the division of the soul and spirit [the completeness of a person], and of both joints and marrow [the deepest parts of our nature], exposing and judging the very thoughts and intentions of the heart.” I found such great comfort in knowing he knew my heart and that if there was something there that was not right, no matter how noble I made it, he would reveal and sort it out until all that was left was his truth.
As taxing as that year in my life was, I learned a lot, mainly that progress in relationships would take bravery. Not just to address the difficult things but also to honor those important and messy relationships in life. I needed people in my life, no matter how hard that was. As humans, we are designed for community, but as humans, we are also not as gentle to those who’ve been through storms. Learning to be kind to those around me helped me to extend grace. My encouragement for you today is that you would be brave, put the work in, and find a place of healing so we can truly learn to live honoring one another in this life.